Going home

I’m trading my life by the ocean for a return to my childhood home in the desert. Everyone has been supportive but they look surprised. They’ve heard my stories of growing up with the “meanest man in the world” and all the disfunctionality that goes with that. I guess I realize that with my parents both gone (especially Dad) I am no longer haunted by the ghosts of his abuse. I would like to get to know my family better. It should be cheaper to live in Phoenix than in Long Beach. The family seems genuinely pleased to have me back in the fold. I hope they will look in on me.  From their perspective, we can continue to have family gatherings in the house on Luke.

We’ll see! There is such much to take care of. Despite what Anne says, I do have a lot of junk to sort through. I have a two bedroom house of furniture and etc to dispose of.There is lots of cleaning to do — especially the knobs in the kitchen. And then there’s the selling of the house. I hate the tension that is involved! The Daily Reflections today said that I have peace stronger than the fear I face. Hmm.

The whole episode reminds me of how alone I am. I have fallen into a dark funk for several months. What with the referral for ECT fallen into the cracks of bureaucracy I lack energy to interact with people —  when I do I am abrupt and impatient to return to my personal cave of isolation. I say yes whenever I can to volunteer. I try to be gracious and thoughtful. But it is exhausting! My introversion has increased. I am skeptical of the people in California. They are far too jolly for my tastes.

My retirement plans have been fraught with month to month living. Key bits of information have been lacking in my attempts to develop a financial plan on which I can live. I’ve had roommates but I’m not ready to take on another role of the dice in having someone new living here. I enjoy having the whole house to myself. Even though I spend most of the time in my bedroom.

Well, time to get ready to sit for a nursing student’s psych-social inventory. Breathe!

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