I’m off the (gay) grid

I’m no longer on any of the gay internet web sites that I’ve been on since the early aughts. First there was Silverdaddies, then there was Adam4adam, and finally there was Seeksolder. I met Firman on Silverdaddies as well as Andrew. I met Ernesto on Adam4Adam. And I’ve met a whole slew of younger men who purport to be one thing (in their late 20s, quite muscular) but they are all figments of the imagination of some guys in Africa. In getting to know them, they all lost their parents when they were 20, they’re not working, and their spelling deteriorates with each passing e-mail. My bs detector really gets activated when they call me “dear.”

I use my yahoo account when I’m talking with these guys. The amazing thing is that I keep falling over and over for the same offering: a fresh, hunky positive sounding young man. I can see Doug shaking his head at my love-sick addiction. So, in the same way I was convinced that I have a serious drinking problem (and a money problem) I quit cold turkey the last of my profiles on the gay websites. And not a moment too soon. “Fred” is suddenly interested in a stable relationship with an older man. He said he was willing to take “grandma” to West Africa to be with a sibling. Huh? Alarm bells clanged furiously in my head. I had just deleted my profile on that site as well as all emails from him and Ali, a 39 year old Indian immigrant who had sent me messages and then stopped. A better offer from someone else perhaps?

My last email to “Fred” simply said “In this country we have a saying: If it’s too good to be true, it’s probably not true.” I’m going to archive his emails to remind me how sick I’ve been in this regard. I have a block on my phone with another guy I met on A4A (his  parents died when he was 20 as well) plus a masseur from A4A who sends me texts when he is looking for business. With him, the business is not a massage.

With the Parkinsons, and being 67, being sexually active is no longer the driving issue it used to be. I enjoy an occasional pleasuring myself with pornography and it’s a lot less complicated than having another person involved. Frankly, at this point, I’m content. I’ve been alone for so long that seeking another person in a committed relationship is too much work. I confess that I am attracted to another person primarily as a sexual partner. Beyond that, I don’t know that I have the where with all or stamina (or patience) to apply all that needs to be done on the quotidian basis to make a relationship work. I see people around me (and Long Beach teems with  examples) of people who seem to have thriving relationships. Jeff and Mike just celebrated their 19th years on Facebook. I look at Jerry, Tom, Bill and I think “well, I’m not the only one who is single.” To be honest, I’m not really miserable. My family is very supportive. When I fantasize about these younger men being a partner, I wonder how the family would react. I mean, these guys are younger than my siblings, even younger than some of my nieces and nephews.  Could I withstand their judgement?

So, another part of ageing comes to pass. It’s not the end of the world. Yet.