I am free

“I want for nothing, I hope for nothing. I am free.” – Nikos Kazantzakis

This quote came to me as I was cancelling my reservations for my trip to Istanbul in September. I wrote Rahim that I was cancelling the trip due to health reasons. The deep, honest reason was that I felt that I was falling down the rabbit hole (again) of enrapture- with-young-gay-muslim-me- in-far-off-places-who-have-a-fixation-on-white-old-men. In talking it over with Scott last night, I became clear to myself that I was in an addicted behavior that, to break it off now, was a sign of progress. True, there are nonrefundable expenses to be made (sigh!) but better to get out now than to pour more money into what could be a costly affair.

And what would be accomplished? Just like with Firman in 2005, we met, we had fun and then we both cried when I left.  All that money and time just for a romp in the Bali sunshine? Bali humidity too as I recall. The outcome would have been the same if Ash had been the one going to Istanbul rather than Rahim. If indeed he was ever going to come. I think I was the foolish one plotting such an adventure and not the younger men who must have thought that, old as I might be, I am probably a little crazy. And (from their perspective) rich.

Rahim rhapsodizes about love and intimacy that belongs on a hallmark card. He is a moony 19 yr old. He’s also as shifty as the sands. Or so I think. Better that we are far apart in distance. Better that I’m using my yahoo address rather than my gmail. I may be eager to trust and slow to disbelieve, but I am wary even if it’s a tad too late. Progress, not perfection.

So, I do feel relief. I’m no longer on seeksolder or caffmos. I don’t hold out hope for any serious offer from any gay man seeking affection or companionship. To counter-balance my rather juvenile insanity with the gay arab boys, I gave away my bike to my ex-AA sponsor, a man who is (from my judgement) about as crazy as they come. When I called him last Tuesday to say that I was letting him go as sponsor (i.e. firing him) he mentioned that he had just had his bike stolen that morning. His bike is his only transportation. I mentioned that I had a bike I wasn’t using and he’d be welcome to it. He called yesterday expressing an interest in my offer so I spent an hour getting it ready: I cleaned it off, pumped up the tires, sprayed WD-40 on the chain and reattached the headlamp with new batteries. He came by today, liked it, and rode off with it. His head is a bit big for the helmet but he clamped on his head as he rode off. I wouldn’t put it past him to ditch the helmet in the first garbage can he comes to. Oh well.

So, I have no AA sponsor, no bike no planned trip to Istanbul, no compulsive checking of gay web sites seeking young men seeking older men. After this last email to Rahim, I may not have any more gay muslim correspondents. What do I have? A new relationship with Dignity (presider, member, board member), a useful service with St. Joseph the Worker, a growing connection with my family. Not bad.

I wonder what mischief I can get into next?


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