And then there were three

My phone signaled a new email on Yahoo. Looking at my inbox, I saw a note from seeksolder.com. I was puzzled. I thought I’d left them behind weeks ago. Still, I clicked on the link and found a mail from Nathan, a 29 year old in San Jose Ca. His profile is that of the other two young men who purport to seek my attention and company: he likes older men, he wants to please me and he’s DTE (i.e. Down to Earth)

So, all through the night I texted him back on the seeksolder site. Then, he gave me his personal email. I responded with my yahoo email. I mean, the thought went through my head: here’s a young man who’s pursuing me. What’s his problem?

Of course, since early this morning, all is silence from his side. Perhaps he works nights, His profile indicates he’s 29, has a Masters degree, has a variety of interests. His picture shows a handsome, white guy with dimples. What’s not to love?

Under the question “HIV Status” he responded “Tell you later”. Hmm

The fact that he is local (i.e. on this continent, just an hour away time zone-wise) has English as a native language, and as accessible without a passport is hugely in his favor. How I am found despite my efforts at burying my profile on a web site (which I haven’t visited in several weeks) is baffling.

So, whether I want to or not, I seem to be in the cyber game for good. I know that profiles I’ve indicated an interest in have often been either ignored or have resulted in unmasking a pretender who seems to be scamming. I’m a sucker for a muscular body. Guys who pursue me cause me to become shy, wary and, at first, eager to respond but then I think “what do I say?” I mean, when push comes to shove, do I really want to become involved in a relationship? I am sexually attracted to these guys (at least, attracted by what I see in the limited pictures they post) but then, what?

I did some math in my head, and realized that Nathan was born in 1988. I was in my second year at St. Augustine’s. I was newly abstinent from alcohol. It was during that time, I think, I was teaching at Kino and throwing the morning Wall Street Journal. I was so far in debt to my credit card that I was bound and determined to climb out of the quicksand of debt I’d put myself into. I succeeded, I stayed abstinent, but I must have driven the staff crazy by my manic/depressive antics. I wasn’t being treated for anything at that time, I was just having a run of the disease.

It’s amazing I survived. Talk  about burning the candle at both ends.

So, now what? Breathe! I watered the plants, fed the birds, meditated and did a word jumble and crossword. Blanche spent some time crouched on my chest, looking out at the birds and chattering away at them. I can’t tell if she’s expressing annoyance or just being talkative.

As the zen saying goes” When you’re alone, act as though you have a guest. When you have a guest, act as though you are alone.”

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