Wisdom lies in the gut

After some friendly texts last night as I was going to bed from Nathan, I was ill-prepared for the texts this morning I received during morning prayer. He’d gotten the money from Moneygram I’d sent. Without a word of thanks, I might add. Then he goes on to enumerate the need for more forms. The new cost for such documentation from this “travel agent” is now $1900.

I was stunned. Shocked. And very suspicious. This sounds like a fleece job to me. I’d just turned down Rahim in his latest bid to get several thousand dollars from me to a “travel agent” to pay for a visa to come to the US. He is a very malevolent person, it turn out, on one hand sweet and then instantly vicious. I’m glad I didn’t tell him about Nathan.

So, I told Nathan I’d get back to him in a day and then called Scott to consult. He talked me down from the ledge. He pointed out the suddenness of this whole operation, my obsession with this particular kind of young man (latent Daddy issues?) and pointed out that I need to save money for Dan and not for some fictitious person on the internet.

He pointed out that I don’t seem to have much enthusiasm to develop relationships (if that’s what I want) with an age-appropriate male who is local and, for which, time is required. At my age, my life-long trajectory at being “Dan” doesn’t seem to include having a partner. Such an inclusion would have been appropriate (and natural) when I was much younger. I look at people in Long Beach, my age mates, who are un-partnered and who don’t seem to be worse for wear.

As stunned as I am (and I suppose in some denial of my grief) I can rationally accept that I’ve reached the end of the road on this trip. Rather abruptly, I might add, but at least I haven’t slid into depression and financial ruin.

Scott and I mused on our very real ache to father a son. We haven’t reproduced physically but when we see a young man in his prime, we (I) want to reach out to him and to see him succeed. I get that fathers really find deep emotional fulfillment in this. Fathering is not just a procreational act, but a deeply involved life of nurturing, fostering, mentoring and developing. I missed out on that. For that I grieve.

How to “father” without getting all sexual about it? Frankly, at this point, the sexual attraction is a distraction. Without out that, just having some physical intimacy would be nice (I suppose) but eventually I’d prefer to sleep alone.

It’s too late in my life to have to control my farts in bed.



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