Cloudy days, humid nights

It’s not just the skies of Phoenix that are overcast and grey. My mood for the past couple of days has been dark, grey turning black and ominous with occasional belches of thunder. My nights are interrupted around 4 with a trip to the bathroom and then some dark thoughts and a lot of tossing and turning.

The man-who-thinks-he’s-president takes up a lot of time in my mind too which annoys the shit out of me. I’m trying to shun him but he pops up unbidden, like a wave of nausea.

I’m following my usual MO: isolation, brooding, having flickering thoughts of suicide. I know people will be hurt if I do so, but I shrug my shoulders and think “they’ll get over it.”

Achraf is getting on my nerves. Our long-distant relationship has made little progress in the seven years or so since we first connected on Silverdaddies. His English is limited and his neediness is unstoppable. His constant protestations of love and admiration are wearying. We can’t seem to communicate on matters other than the banal and trivial. It’s been almost seven months since I sent the petition to USCIS people. To date, there’s been no response. Achraf noted that, on their website, the USCIS folks said that petitions are now taking at least seven months. I suppose this waiting for an answer doesn’t do much for my positive mood. There’s still the matter of the interview in Algeria and the physical.

A comment Patrick made about the family not knowing about my petition for Achraf has made me reconsider my decision about not telling them what’s going on at this time. On one hand I don’t want to have to tell them only to have to say “Never mind, it’s not going to happen.” Still, it’s another secret in the long line of secrets that I’ve kept from my siblings over the years. Rereading the first draft of my proposed memoir, I can see how lots of cats will be out of the bag if I include all the events that transpired in my life apart from the family. The thing about cats, once they’re out it’s nigh impossible to get them back in the bag.

That damn Baja has me by the short hairs. I keep spending money on it like a drunken sailor on shore leave with his favorite whore. I’ve been making compulsive financial purchases for the upkeep: I went online and found a moon roof motor part at an internet parts site that seemed to have the part almost immediately. I got suspicious (if it’s too good to be true…..) and found some yelp reviews which lambasted the site as being an off-site India set up. No wonder the banks kept freezing the credit cards when I first tried to make purchases there. Supposedly they are sending the part next week. We’ll see.

I bought wiper blades and broke the clip fastening one of the blades on the Baja. I bought another one (so I thought) which has a different set up than the one I thought I was buying. It went on super-easy. We’ll see.

Scott’s in Spain. Or Norway. I’m not sure which. Anne is in Boston I think with her brother. I’m kind of at a loss for people to talk to. I’m staying away from Dignity for June and July. It’s very telling that, to date, no one has called from Dignity to inquire as to how I am. Ruben Gallego’s campaign hasn’t called to bring me in to help on the telephone. New Pathways did send me an email and I have an interview set for next week. I’m getting a fingerprint card done on Monday. And Christopher Creek did credit my account. So, I’m not as shunned by others as I originally thought. Still, the lack of outreach from Dignity smarts.

So, I’ll get through this. I usually do. This Friday I drive over to Long Beach. See Jerry, Tom, Doug’s 20th AA birthday then to LA for the 51st high school reunion. It’ll be something.


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